Friday, January 13, 2012

Butterflies in my Stomach

I think I'm more nervous for this trip than the last one.  Not for any good reason, mind you: Max and I have met and I adore him, the trip is shorter than the last one, there are far fewer unknowns this time, whatever.  It might have something to do with the fact that I have to stand in front of a judge on Tuesday and tell him/her my life story and then hope and pray that he/she decides that the three of us will be a good fit.  I mean that's really a bit terrifying.

But I had a great time last time.  I *like* Russia!

And those butterflies have been migrating from one side of my stomach to the other for days now.

Maybe it's just that the reality is finally beginning to hit.  We've waited and prayed and waited and waited to become parents for SO long -- it's so much harder than I ever would have imagined to turn get those brain pathways moving in a new direction!

I wonder if this is something every new mother experiences?  Worry for the unknown.  The knowledge that snow is on the forecast but not knowing whether to plan for a blizzard or a flurry.  The hope that all will be well right alongside this shadowy fear of inadequacy.

I had a dream a few nights ago that Max was crying because I had forgotten to feed him.  I woke up horrified with myself and thinking, "Am I really ready for this?  What do I know about being a mom?" When I told Jason about it the next day he said, "Well, he won't let you forget to feed him!"  No, of course not, but I'm not sure that's what what the dream was about.

The butterflies keep fluttering.  But I'm beginning to think that they won't suddenly stop once the judge pounds his gavel (I wonder if they do that?) and tell us that we are about to be parents.  I think the gavel-pounding might just make it worse...

1 comment:

  1. Cat,

    I don't know if you'll get this before court since it's Tuesday morning there already but GOOD LUCK!!!

    I Just read your last post and you are not alone, I am feeling all the same things. I think because we HAVE waited so long, and are now so close we start freaking out! : )

    Our court date is NEXT Tuesday so maybe my nerves and butterflies will go away afterwards? So excited for you and can't wait to hear about your visits and court when you get back!! Best of Luck and Safe travels home!