Saturday, February 4, 2012

Two Weeks

In two weeks from today we will be back on a plane to Russia -- this time to bring Max home.  This pulls together so many different emotions for me that I can hardly keep them all in my poor little brain.  (The capacity of the human mind to simultaneously hold completely contradictory emotions utterly amazes me).

Honestly, it feels a lot like two weeks before my wedding day.

(Obligatory wedding photo coming right up)

That photo was taken 8 1/2 years ago, but I still remember the emotions.  Excitement and anticipation were right up there.  But so was nervousness and a little bit of plain old-fashioned terror.  Was this the right person?  Was I ready for this?  Mostly: was I unselfish enough for this?

Some people talk about the first year of marriage as the hardest one they ever went through.  That wasn't the case for us.  That "honeymoon" phase is something that I will always remember with a smile.  That's not to say it was easy.  I had space issues.  He had a terrible time being separated from his family.  He was trying to work from home which was a really bad fit for him.  I was studying for my candidacy exams and was in the library far more than either of us liked.  We discovered (to our continuing frustration) that he likes things clean and I...don't care quite as much.  But love smooths over a lot of rough edges.  

Adjustments.  A thousand of them.  (Mostly little things like learning to buy toothpaste with attached lids.)

The ins and outs of taking two separate people and carving out places in each person for other to fit. Today I can't remember what it was like before Jason.  I would never want to return to that life.  I forget too often to tell him that I would marry him again in a heartbeat.  

Two weeks.  A first year of parenthood.  

I know I'm not ready.  I'm not sure anyone who has stepped up to the edge of the parenthood cliff is quite "ready" to step off the edge, not really.

But we will carve out spaces of ourselves -- Max-shaped spaces -- and in a year I imagine that I won't be able to remember how life was without him.  

4 comments:

  1. You are going to make a wonderful mother and Jason will be an amazing father! You guys are SO ready for this. Trust me. You will see :D

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  2. Hi from a certain city in a certain country! I saw two little dolls today which looked like an American couple whose blog I read! It's true that you're never ready to become a parent... you just have to let go of the idea of doing everything perfectly and be yourself!

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  3. How fabulous that you are there, Molly! It looks like we will just miss each other -- too bad since I always wonder what my blogger friends are like in real life. Hugs all around!

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  4. Yes, I know. I wish that we could meet up! That would be fun. Alla picked up your court decree today!

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