Friday, March 30, 2012

Things We Don't Say

Actual conversation this morning while I was lying in bed, even more lethargic than usual:

Jason: "Hey are you OK?"
Me: "No, not particularly."
Jason: "Worried about Dean?" [this is my brother, if you didn't know]
Me: "Yeah.  Really worried."
Jason: "Me too."

The subtext in my head before and after than conversation:

"Worried?  Worried?  Do you know what his job is?  Do you know where he's going?  He's in the ARMY.  He's headed to Afghanistan -- like in days.  Do you realize what happens to him when he goes there?!?!?!?  He goes there and people SHOOT at him.

"Like with guns.  And RPGs.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN RPG LOOKS LIKE?!?!?!  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO?!?!?!?!?

"I played with Dean all my growing up years.  We put He-Man figures on the My Little Ponies and Stars Wars figures in the dollhouse.  We told each other what we were getting the other for Christmas one year.  We've fought like 3 times in our whole lives and one of those was when I was 4 and he was 18 months and he didn't understand that the prince was supposed to be kiss Sleeping Beauty to wake her up!

"And now he's going somewhere that people are going to shoot at him?

"No, I am not OK.  Not even close."

This is like the third time I've tried to write a post about this.  The others were sort-of philosophical.  This one...not so much.  But this is what I'm thinking.

I picked a fight with my rosebushes this afternoon because I was mad.  I didn't have any gloves and it hurt and I was just a bit glad of it.  Eventually it hurt enough that I decided gloves would be a better idea -- but I couldn't find them.  But the job was only half done, and that made me mad.

So I went back to finish it.  And it hurt.  And my fingers bled.  And I was still mad and still glad.

And then Max -- who was sleeping in the car -- woke up, and I went back to my regularly scheduled life.  And when you ask me about it, I'll tell you just what I told Jason (who in fact does know the subtext) and I won't want to say much more, but now you know the subtext.

Now pass me the box of Cheezits.  And go get the unopened one from downstairs, if you don't mind.  I'll need them both this afternoon.


  1. Aw, so sorry Cat. I've been praying for him and Lora and the kiddos. I'll be praying for you, too, and keep praying until he's home safe.

  2. Just wanted to let you know that I've been praying for Dean and will keep praying until he's safely home. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for all of you guys. :(